Is Your Judgment Hurting Your Sex Life?Posted: October 31, 2011
Over the years I have spent a considerable amount of time talking to women about all aspects of dating, relationships and sex. To my dismay one of the most common themes I still hear is that if a woman sleeps with a guy too soon he won’t call her back. To counteract this women will avoid sleeping with a guy on a first date even when they want to. This is especially true when the woman sees the guy as relationship material, and thus she becomes even more demure. This dysfunctional dating strategy can be solely attributed to women’s fear of the stigma that men attach to such behavior, namely that they will be viewed as “sluts” who will sleep with anyone. While this mindset at first seems completely antiquated, it turns out that there are still a lot of men who actually believe this and do not call these girls back for second dates, thus proving the ladies’ point. My point here: these guys are missing the boat.
It has been over 40 years since the sexual revolution began, yet men today are still losing respect for women when they have sex with them early on in their interaction. What’s the deal here? Is this the 1950s? Clearly there is a double standard that exists between male and female sexuality in our society: men are admired for expressing their sexuality whereas women are defamed for it. This gendered double standard has since shaped the social perceptions of modern dating, with the result being its current dysfunctional state. Sure, I could spend time here going into all the sociological and psychological reasons why this double standard exists, but instead I’d rather enlighten you to the fallacy of this thinking and reveal a whole other world of possibilities with women this belief is holding you back from experiencing.
Despite what society tells us, sex is one of the best (and most fun) ways to start a relationship. Relationships at any stage should be filled with passion, vigor, excitement and a strong sense of sexual polarity. My best relationships all started with strong mutual attraction and passionate sex early on, and they were the most rewarding because we were hot for each other and did exactly what men and women are supposed to do. That’s not to say you don’t need other points of connection, but if you are not physically excited about your partner in the early stages of your relationship you certainly can’t expect to magically become so over time. Even if it is possible, why invest the time and effort when there are so many other people out there that you would be physically passionate about?
Yes, women do sometimes say they want to be friends first, and then see where it goes from there before they enter into a relationship. Let me tell you now that’s a crock, so don’t fall for it! Women want to be swept away in the passion and romance…it is in all their social programming from Cinderella to Sex and the City and the millions of romance novels sold annually. “Friends first” is code for “until something better comes along” (because being with you is better than being alone) and often the preference of women who have been hurt and are jaded about dating and relationships. These are the same women you probably are better off avoiding in the first place. While you are waiting around building your “friendship” (which in inauthentic in the first place because that’s not what either of you actually want) she’s out there meeting other guys who are willing to take her where she wants to go anyway and you get stuck in the friend zone. The bottom line here: if you want to build a strong connection with a woman the fastest way to do so is by sleeping with her.
Now that we’ve established that sex is one of the best ways to start a relationship, why the hell would you lose respect for a woman because she slept with you? That’s like saying I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. Do you have so little respect for yourself that you would punish someone else for sharing an intimate moment with you? Or are you judging her by society’s gendered double standard for doing something you obviously are just as guilty of? Either way, the source of the problem here is you.
A lot of men tend to think (and thus women buy into the belief) that if a woman sleeps with him early on that she must do so with everyone. Do these guys have such little confidence that they don’t believe she could actually like them for who they are? Speaking for myself, I have never lost respect for any woman because she slept with me, even if it was only hours after meeting me. Instead I come from the mindset that I am different from other guys, not just one of them, if she chooses to sleep with me. Our encounter is special and has the chemistry that leads it toward the natural outcome of the connection…sex. The reason for this is what we call sexual confidence: the belief in yourself to be able to attract and arouse members of the opposite sex. I presume that she likes me for who I am and more importantly, how I make her feel. Why shouldn’t I? She is showing me so by her willingness to create and share a new intimate experience with me. By this fact alone she is proving to me that I am able to trigger those emotions in her, and thus my sexual confidence grows further. Even if she was simply horny and wanted sex from any old Joe, she still chose me over all the other Joes. And what if she does sleep with every other guy? So be it. She happens to like sex and to taste the rich experiences of life. I’m sure if you are honest with yourself you can almost certainly think of a time when you would have acted the same way, so don’t judge her for acting in a way you too are perfectly capable of. By judging her for that, your judgment says more about you than it does her.
Women like sex. Get over it. So do you, so why the double standard? Realize she too is a sexual being. The fact is most women like sex more than most men. (Yes, I actually said that.) While men tend to enjoy the idea of having sex and the acquisition of it, women generally appreciate the experience in the moment much more. (A fact most men can learn from.) The truth is many women, especially at certain ages, are far more sexual than men. For example, have you heard women talk amongst themselves? They frequently have sexual conversations with their girlfriends that most men would never dream of having with their guy friends. Women are also generally much more willing to experiment sexually than men are, though they do not usually advertise this desire for fear of…you guessed it…judgment. That gal you place on an angelic pedestal may in fact be a closet sexual deviant just waiting to be discovered by the right man…a man that doesn’t judge her for being so.
Women are acutely aware of the double standard of sexuality between the genders, and therefore vigilant about being judged negatively for their sexual choices. Unfortunately a lot of guys are making judgments about their sex partners based on these antiquated double standards. By doing so, and then acting in accord, they are not only hurting their own chances at having a fulfilling sex life but they are potentially damaging the self-esteem of the women they are dating and simultaneously holding society back from evolving into a more universally appreciative place. As a mature man it is not your role to shame someone else for seeking the pleasure they desire, especially if they choose to share it with you. Sadly, so many guys do just that. As a result women withhold their desires from these men and then the men complain that the world is full of frigid women and cold fishes.
It may seem obvious, but a woman is not going to want to be more sexually open if she is judged negatively for it. If your partner feels judged by you, she’ll have no motivation to open up and share her desires and fantasies with you verbally or physically because she cannot trust you to accept her as she it. Remember, women are far more socially savvy than men. They know when they are being judged, even if you say nothing, just by reading your nonverbal communication. If you are judging her she will feel it. In fact women are subtly scrutinizing and judging other women all the time right under our noses, yet few men ever pick up on this metacommunication that is clear as day to the ladies. Though women are judged (rather harshly in fact) by other women, they don’t have to tell those women who they are sleeping with. However, when a woman is judged by the very guy she is sleeping with she cannot hide from that discrimination other than by avoiding him, and that is exactly what she will do. On the other hand, once you accept her for who she is and what she desires, she will open up to you a whole other realm of possibilities and experiences that are not available to other guys. Women too have double standards, specifically in what they are willing to experience with one guy but not another. The difference is usually the guy’s own sexual baggage and shame, and his judgments toward her that stem from it.
So what is the solution here? It’s simple really – praise your partner for her sexuality instead of judging her for it. Women are motivated by praise and deflated by criticism. If you praise her for being who she is she will continue to open up to you throughout your relationship, but if you criticize her she will start withholding her true feelings for fear that you are judging her and a rift will develop that is the foundation of many relationship problems. By lifting the veil of judgment you eliminate much of the dysfunction of dating and bring it back to its purest form: passionate magnetism between men and women. So I urge you, instead of judging your partner, celebrate who she is and be the catalyst that can cultivate the best of her sexuality, and thus her confidence. This is the path toward keeping your relationship fresh and nourished (not to mention that a sexually confident woman is always a better long-term lover!) No one wants to be judged, so be the example, start from within and see what comes back to you in return. It’s simple karma. I promise you that you and your sex life will thank me later!
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