Don’t Put Her FirstPosted: June 30, 2012
Mike: Where’s Jeff?
Scott: I don’t know. Haven’t seen him in weeks.
Brian: Haven’t you heard? He has a new girlfriend.
Mike & Scott: (simultaneously) Oohhh.
Mike: I guess we’ll see him in a couple of months when she dumps him.
For many of us this scene is all too familiar. We’ve all had a friend like Jeff who puts the woman he’s dating ahead of everything else in his life. Maybe it has even been you. If it is, I urge you to cease and desist immediately and vow never to do so again. Not because it is good for your friends, but because it is good for you, your gal and your relationship.
When you drop everything on your plate for a woman, not only will you irritate all of your friends and family, you will also frustrate your date to the point where she will either own you or eventually leave you in the dust (if not both!) While this seems counterintuitive and goes against what many of us have been taught by society regarding chivalry and romance, doing so could not be more counterproductive. Contrary to what a woman may say, deep down she does not truly want to be a man’s number one priority.
Men who live true to their masculine core are driven primarily to fulfill a life purpose and are compelled to align their lives toward that end. Conveniently, your woman wants the same thing from you, though she may not always act like it. In fact, more often than not her objections are a test of your masculine integrity. Unfortunately most men do not realize this, and when she objects they attempt to reel her back in by placing her needs and wants ahead of their own. Doing this inadvertently tells her that you are easily swayed from your own purpose, thus lack integrity and therefore cannot be fully trusted. Worse yet, you are communicating that you value her more than yourself. As a result she will subconsciously interpret this as needy and submissive and treat you accordingly.
By putting his woman before himself a man denies his own internal drive, and thus his masculine core. He is not living his true purpose nor is he fully engaged in his life. This kills attraction, as these are the very traits that women find so compelling in men. Simultaneously he is embracing his feminine desire for connection and thus diminishing the sexual polarity between them. While the woman may enjoy this attention in the short term, over time she will eventually resent him for not being masculine and following his purpose. Feeling the absence of the masculine polarity, she will begin to bring forth her own masculine side to compensate for this loss, thus depolarizing their relationship altogether. No good can come from this.
“So what’s a guy to do? Isn’t he supposed to treat a girl right and keep her happy? As a good man aren’t you supposed to put the needs of others, say your family, in front of your own?”
No, and definitely not to the point of martyrdom. That is nothing more than self-righteousness, and it is rooted in selfish “nice guy” behavior. I don’t want you to simply be a good man, and I certainly don’t want you to be a nice guy. That would be setting the bar far too low. Instead I want to you to be a great man, an evolved man, but most importantly a man. As a man your prime directive in life is to pursue your purpose, and unless you are fully engaged in this pursuit you cannot truly give back to others. Let me give you an analogy to explain…
When you are on a plane, and the flight attendant is going through the safety features, you are always told in case of a loss of cabin pressure an oxygen mask will fall from the compartment above. You are also instructed that before you assist someone else in getting their mask on, you are not to do so until yours is on first. The reason for this is that you cannot effectively help someone else unless you are fully capable of taking care of yourself first, and the analogy firmly applies in much of life as well. As men we often feel responsible for the happiness and well being of those around us, but unless you have the ability to respond you cannot successfully do so. In order to genuinely be able to respond to the needs of others, you must put yourself and your needs first. Once your needs are fulfilled, you then will be in a position to give the gifts of your masculinity completely and without expectations.
The bottom lie here is that you do not need to try to make your woman happy by constantly catering to her specific needs. Instead, simply be the authentic man she desires by living true to your masculine core and following your purpose in life first and foremost. When in doubt of how to do this, just remember this simple principle:
Your purpose in life must always come before your woman.
That’s it. Never put your woman before your higher calling in life. Though she may seem appreciative in the moment for your willingness to acquiesce to her desires, deep inside her heart she will resent you for it. Simply knowing this will make many conflicts of your time much easier to resolve, as you’ll recognize that choosing your purpose is best for all parties involved. This is not to say that there aren’t times when you can and should put your woman first, but these times must be consciously chosen from your heart and not at the sacrifice of your greater purpose. By living true and unwavering in your purpose you can be very generous to her because you are coming from a place of strength, presence and well-defined boundaries which allow you to rise to the occasion to give more of yourself when you so choose. You can do both, and she will be more attracted and trust you much further for it. After all, that is what you both want, so why settle for less?
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