Lessons About Women I Would Teach My Younger SelfPosted: July 31, 2012 | |
We’ve all at some point wished we could go back in time armed with our current wisdom and reengineer our past experiences. We tell ourselves “if I only knew then what I know now, things would have been so different!” Certainly there is great truth in this sentiment, but it is foolish to live in the past mired in regret. Fortunately the lessons of our past are just as useful in our lives today, but if not properly learned, lived and fully internalized they can be just as painful as before. Looking back at yourself five, ten or twenty years, what would you tell yourself about people, relationships, confidence and social acuity? What lessons do you wish you had learned earlier to save yourself heartache, stress and pain? Which of those lessons do you need to further implement into your present life in order to live at your full potential? If I could go back and mentor my younger self I would enlighten myself with the following six lessons in interacting with women, the lessons I wish I had known in my youth, and the ones that I feel are the most important to realizing your full relational potential as a man.
1. Women are insecure.
When I was younger, that beautiful woman who seemed to have her act completely together was intimidating. For most of us they still are. The reason for this rarely has anything to do with her, but with your own lack of confidence. The fact is most people are just as scared and self-doubting as you are in any given situation, women often even more so. She is human just like you and feels the same insecurities and fears that we all face. You just don’t notice because you are too wrapped up in your own emotions. Unfortunately there is an epidemic of insecure women out there grappling with everything from issues of self worth, desirability, body image, aging, and the stability of their relationships just to name a few. As a man it is your role to make a woman feel good when she is in your presence, but that is very difficult to do if you are not confident in yourself. Simply realizing that she is probably more insecure and self-conscious than you at any moment is a big step toward this. Adopting this frame of mind empowers you to interact with her naturally. As a result she will feel your strength and want to be around it more as her attraction for you builds.
2. Women like sex.
Women like sex just as much as men do, if not more so. This is a no-brainer for me now, but when I was younger it seemed unfathomable. Our culture (as well as our genes) tell us that sexual access to a woman is a prize we as men must acquire and women must protect. As adolescents boys we ask each other if we “got some off of her” as if we are doing something insidious, and everywhere we look women are judged and labeled as “sluts” for enjoying sex. The result is a belief that there is a conflict of interests between the sexes. The fact is we are much more the same than different in most ways, including when it comes to enjoying sex. The primary difference is that most women are choosier than men about whom they allow that access to. Women want to be ravished, but ravished by the right man. That is a man who is masculine, non-judgmental, authentic and unashamed of his own desire. If you are able to express these traits to her she will not be able to get enough of you, and that includes sexually.
3. Women want a guy who leads.
When I was younger I always thought that I wanted an egalitarian relationship with a woman, an equal partner in all ways. The reality is (a reality I vehemently resisted for sake of being self-righteously “better” than other men) that a woman does not feel attraction for you if she views you as her equal. I am not talking about civil rights, sexism or misogyny here, but rather a maintaining a dominant masculine presence. A woman doesn’t simply want a nice guy, she doesn’t want him to be agreeable, and she certainly doesn’t want him to kiss her ass, as this will kill any attraction she has for him. Instead she yearns for a man who knows what he wants, moves those things forward with ease and is able to read her emotions rather than waiting for her to tell him what she desires. She wants him to lead. This is an elemental masculine trait, and it is vital if you want to maintain sexual polarity in your relationship. This is not about being domineering toward her (that is simply being immaturely insecure, or in other words an asshole.) It’s about treating her like the feminine creature she longs to be through the gift of your masculine strength and presence. Nice guys and kiss-ass’s are available to her 24/7, but they do not make her feel that gut level attraction that only her masculine polar opposite can ignite within her. The bottom line: In order to spark and fan the flames of attraction and sexual passion you need to lead and maintain control, especially while you are in the process of getting to know each other.
4. Women want a man who doesn’t need her.
This one I struggled with well into my adult years. No matter how many times my heart was ripped out and I was beaten over the head with it, I just didn’t get it. It all came down to my own lack of internal self worth and a desire to be validated by the love and appreciation of a woman. Unfortunately this longing and my resulting behavior sent women running for the hills faster than a tsunami! What I didn’t realize is the more you are attached to wanting a woman, the harder it will be to win her over. It’s a simple fact: neediness is unattractive. An equally important corollary here is that the least attached partner in any relationship always holds the power. (You may want to read that one a few times to let it sink in.) For most men their attachment to a particular outcome with a woman along with the corresponding fear of loss and counteracting behaviors is their biggest downfall in dating and relationships. No matter how much she looks like “the one”, it is crucial that you do not over-invest in her to the point of sacrificing your own personal power, integrity and self worth, especially early on in the relationship. She’s not the one, at least not yet, and if you put her on a pedestal she never will be. The irony here is you will have to risk losing a woman in order to truly win her heart. If you don’t, your tentative actions designed to keep her around will eventually eradicate any attraction she may have had for you, thus causing you to lose her anyway. By contrast, if you are indifferent to the outcome and retain your personal power not only are you more likely to amplify her attraction for you, you also will realize that you alone possess the ability to lead a fulfilling life whether she is part of it or not.
5. Women will test you.
Let me say that again….women WILL test you. This fact, had I been aware of it, would have pissed me off in my earlier years, but looking at it logically now it makes perfect sense. Women need to know if a man truly embodies masculinity, dominance and confidence at his core, as these are the traits she intuitively desires in a mate in order to pass them along to her offspring. In order for her to know for certain she needs to test a man’s integrity. This is not a conscious process and happens whether she thinks she wants his children or not, as it is embedded in her natural hardwired programming. These tests can be as simple as tempting you to lose your composure, challenging your boundaries, or seeing how you manage her emotional outbursts just to name a few. You fail these tests when your actions in these times of conflict are not congruent with how you represent yourself in times of calm…basically when you wimp out. She then sees through your façade and will continue to test you over time until the attraction is diminished completely and she decides you are not man enough to be with her. The good news here is that when a woman tests you, it’s because she is attracted to you in the first place. Knowing this alone should make you more confident in the situation. The best way to handle these tests is to not respond emotionally, but rather stay calm and logical no matter what she throws at you. Even better is if you call her out in a fun way on the fact that she testing you, perhaps teasing her for doing so. By doing this it says that you see through what is going on and that you have the confidence to call her on it. This of course is completely natural and works best when you also are….
6. Women want a man who is authentic.
Apparently our parents had it right…”just be yourself!” It’s called authenticity. A woman wants a guy who doesn’t feel the need to try to impress her. When you attempt to impress a woman you automatically tell her that you do not believe you are good enough for her, therefore you have to strive to win her over. Women have far more social acuity than most men and see right through this facade as your actions become more and more inauthentic. As a result she feels cannot trust you because you don’t even believe in yourself enough to be genuine. While being authentic is a very straightforward idea in theory, it is difficult to exercise if you do not first believe in yourself. This path begins by first accepting, then appreciating, and finally loving who you really are. If you do not love who you are at this time, instead of looking for validation from women, make the effort to change the things you can to become who you want to be. For those things you cannot change, lovingly accept and forgive yourself for them, for they are not your fault. The beautiful thing is that we all are malleable beings who can improve ourselves at any time or age as long as we have enough desire to do so. From there simply be who you genuinely are consistently with everyone you encounter, and especially with that lady you fancy. Once you intrinsically believe in yourself you won’t need to seek validation from her, thus making the need to impress her completely irrelevant. The fact that you are not trying to impress her will do just that, and it will be far sexier than anything you can say or do otherwise!
What invaluable lessons would you tell your former self that could make the biggest difference in your life and relationships? Are you consistently practicing them now? What lessons do you still need to work on? What is stopping you from doing just that? Tell me in the comments below, or if you need that extra push to get to where you want to be, please inquire about my personal coaching program at firstname.lastname@example.org. With very reasonable rates and proven results I constantly strive to deliver you massive value and the tools to make the difference in your life!
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