Do you find yourself frequently in and out of relationships, only to get to a certain point before they terminate? Perhaps you are dating the same partner over and over again, only they happen to have a different name and address? If you are like most people, you very likely are running the same relational scripts over and over again expecting new results. Albert Einstein once described such behavior as insanity. The fact is there are specific skills needed to make any relationship work, and so often they are only learned through hard and painful experiences, if learned at all. In western society we are not formally taught relationship skills and often our parents, siblings, friends or other role models are still trying to figure it all out themselves. Unless we seek out qualified help we are left to fend for ourselves when it comes to each relational minefield. This is where I come in. Like any other skill, the secret to relationship mastery is to learn and adapt accordingly to each individual situation. That said, I give you the following five key principles to prevent your next relationship from following down the same path as your previous ones. Read the rest of this entry »
Mike: Where’s Jeff?
Scott: I don’t know. Haven’t seen him in weeks.
Brian: Haven’t you heard? He has a new girlfriend.
Mike & Scott: (simultaneously) Oohhh.
Mike: I guess we’ll see him in a couple of months when she dumps him.
For many of us this scene is all too familiar. We’ve all had a friend like Jeff who puts the woman he’s dating ahead of everything else in his life. Maybe it has even been you. If it is, I urge you to cease and desist immediately and vow never to do so again. Not because it is good for your friends, but because it is good for you, your gal and your relationship.
When you drop everything on your plate for a woman, not only will you irritate all of your friends and family, you will also frustrate your date to the point where she will either own you or eventually leave you in the dust (if not both!) While this seems counterintuitive and goes against what many of us have been taught by society regarding chivalry and romance, doing so could not be more counterproductive. Contrary to what a woman may say, deep down she does not truly want to be a man’s number one priority. Read the rest of this entry »
If there is any one thing you can do to increase the quality of your life, it is to become an interesting person. This is not only good for your own state of mind, it also makes you highly charismatic, potentially increases the quality of other’s lives when they interact with you and certainly sets you apart from the vast majority of men most women date.
Most people do not consider themselves interesting, remarkable or remotely out of the ordinary. While I rarely find this to be true (most people are simply bad at advertising how they are interesting), the reality is that if you don’t believe you are a fascinating individual, you will have a hard time projecting anything otherwise. For that reason, if you feel like you are dull or boring it is up to you, and you alone, to change that.
The world is a big place, but it is easy for your world to get very small if you follow your same routine day after day. We all at times want an easy, care-free life, and it is easy to take the path of least resistance, but it is also boring. You may not feel the tolls of boredom in the moment, but eventually it will pang at you and drag you down into utter mediocrity, and that is not where you want to be if you want to live a remarkable life. Now if you abhor change, eat the same meal every day and only like vanilla ice cream, these suggestions may not appeal to you. However, if you want to taste all the spices that life has to offer then by all means read on. Read the rest of this entry »
Imagine this scenario…you find yourself sitting in front of an amazing woman. A woman who is so intoxicating and fascinating in your eyes, your only desire is to get closer to her. You know you want her to approve of you, be impressed by you, and dammit, you want her to like you. As your conversation progresses you suddenly hear yourself agreeing with her opinions, ones you have staunchly opposed in the past, or out of the blue you tell her you’ll take her to the ballet…and you loathe the ballet! You soon realize you’d do just about anything to keep her from growing cold toward you. You diligently strive to be agreeable, placating and may even say or do things completely out of your character (for better or worse) because you see these actions as the path toward greater intimacy. The scenario may vary: she could be a newfound beauty you want to impress, a date you cautiously avoid conflict with, or even a long-term partner with whom you are on the rocks, but in any case your emotions and actions are the same. Now fast-forward a few months. How’d that end up working out for you?
The reality is that, in one way or another, this strategy of conciliation never works. Women almost always see right through it, especially when it is coupled with any degree of neediness. Even if it does get past her initial filter, she now expects you to be congruent in your words and actions from here on out. If you are not, eventually you will be found out by her and inevitably face the consequences. If you are able to maintain this façade, you will be living a lie that slowly eats away at you from the inside out, ultimately leading to regretting her and causing greater conflict than which you were trying to avoid in the first place. Read the rest of this entry »
I used to love Valentine’s Day. In the blissful ignorance of youth I saw it as a day where magic could happen. A day where I could profess my undying love to the woman of my desires in the form of a well-written valentine accompanied by candy or flowers and suddenly the veil would be lifted from her eyes and she would leap into my arms seeing what a great guy I was. After all, how could she resist my grand romantic advances? Needless to say it didn’t work out quite the way I planned, but that didn’t stop me from trying the same exact thing the next four Valentine’s Day…toward the same girl!?! (It hurts just typing that!) After all, eventually it will work. It had to. Everything I ever saw and heard about romance told me so. I was eight years old.
This is the very message that poisons our core beliefs about romance in our society. The notion of romance in our consumer culture has shifted from a focus upon the feminine need for masculine polarity to a call for men to place women on pedestals and buy their affection while bypassing masculinity altogether. The result is men are taught that the way to a woman’s heart is through showering her with gifts and kissing her ass, while women learn that if they are not getting this sort of attention there must be something wrong with them. In the end the men are emasculated, the women are left unfulfilled and insecure and everyone settles for less. Read the rest of this entry »
Resolutions. Most of us think about them this time of year, perhaps even make these well-intentioned promises to ourselves, but by the end of January the vast majority are either forgotten or surrendered. Another year passes by and that next December we make those same resolutions again, telling ourselves “this year will be different”, only to delude ourselves yet again. It is a vicious cycle of rising optimism followed by diminishing willpower, self-reproach and deflated esteem.
Nestled among thirteen different definitions in my dictionary is the meaning of the term resolution as it traditionally applies in our culture on this holiday: “a firm decision to do something”. While your resolution may be a firm decision, what exactly backs that decision up? Is it the thin veneer of newly found confidence beneath a core of well-practiced uncertainty or self doubt that you are putting our faith in? Are you simply taking advantage of the socially accepted do-over? Do you really believe this is finally the year that you will lose those pounds, quit that job or habit you loathe or act on that dream you’ve intended on pursuing for the past decade? What is different about today from yesterday that suddenly gives you the magic ability to change? Read the rest of this entry »