Lessons About Women I Would Teach My Younger Self

We’ve all at some point wished we could go back in time armed with our current wisdom and reengineer our past experiences. We tell ourselves “if I only knew then what I know now, things would have been so different!” Certainly there is great truth in this sentiment, but it is foolish to live in the past mired in regret. Fortunately the lessons of our past are just as useful in our lives today, but if not properly learned, lived and fully internalized they can be just as painful as before. Looking back at yourself five, ten or twenty years, what would you tell yourself about people, relationships, confidence and social acuity? What lessons do you wish you had learned earlier to save yourself heartache, stress and pain? Which of those lessons do you need to further implement into your present life in order to live at your full potential? If I could go back and mentor my younger self I would enlighten myself with the following six lessons in interacting with women, the lessons I wish I had known in my youth, and the ones that I feel are the most important to realizing your full relational potential as a man.

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Don’t Put Her First

Mike: Where’s Jeff?
Scott: I don’t know. Haven’t seen him in weeks.
Brian: Haven’t you heard? He has a new girlfriend.
Mike & Scott: (simultaneously) Oohhh.
Mike: I guess we’ll see him in a couple of months when she dumps him.

For many of us this scene is all too familiar. We’ve all had a friend like Jeff who puts the woman he’s dating ahead of everything else in his life. Maybe it has even been you. If it is, I urge you to cease and desist immediately and vow never to do so again. Not because it is good for your friends, but because it is good for you, your gal and your relationship.

When you drop everything on your plate for a woman, not only will you irritate all of your friends and family, you will also frustrate your date to the point where she will either own you or eventually leave you in the dust (if not both!) While this seems counterintuitive and goes against what many of us have been taught by society regarding chivalry and romance, doing so could not be more counterproductive. Contrary to what a woman may say, deep down she does not truly want to be a man’s number one priority.  Read the rest of this entry »


How to Build Confidence In Three Simple Steps

Confidence. All men want it, all women are attracted to it. Like it or not, your confidence is the single biggest factor when it comes to being a charismatic man and opening up the doors to almost anything you want in life. With a healthy dose of it your potential will seem boundless. Conversely, without some degree of confidence you are doomed to a life of mediocrity and boredom.

When it comes to confidence most people struggle to provide a tangible definition, much less know how to acquire it. When asked, most of us tend to describe confidence by its attributes rather than defining it, similar to the way Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once defined pornography…we simply know it when we see it. That being the case, allow me to propose for our purposes here the following definition:

Con ⋅ fi ⋅ dence (n.) – a belief of self-assurance in your ability to succeed.

Now that we have a definition easy enough for us all to digest, how exactly does one go about building confidence? That is another issue altogether and a question I hear a lot. Fortunately the answer is also relatively simple: to gain confidence you must take action in the face of fear. In other words, you must demonstrate courage.   Read the rest of this entry »


Agree to Disagree

Imagine this scenario…you find yourself sitting in front of an amazing woman. A woman who is so intoxicating and fascinating in your eyes, your only desire is to get closer to her. You know you want her to approve of you, be impressed by you, and dammit, you want her to like you. As your conversation progresses you suddenly hear yourself agreeing with her opinions, ones you have staunchly opposed in the past, or out of the blue you tell her you’ll take her to the ballet…and you loathe the ballet! You soon realize you’d do just about anything to keep her from growing cold toward you. You diligently strive to be agreeable, placating and may even say or do things completely out of your character (for better or worse) because you see these actions as the path toward greater intimacy. The scenario may vary: she could be a newfound beauty you want to impress, a date you cautiously avoid conflict with, or even a long-term partner with whom you are on the rocks, but in any case your emotions and actions are the same. Now fast-forward a few months. How’d that end up working out for you?

The reality is that, in one way or another, this strategy of conciliation never works. Women almost always see right through it, especially when it is coupled with any degree of neediness. Even if it does get past her initial filter, she now expects you to be congruent in your words and actions from here on out. If you are not, eventually you will be found out by her and inevitably face the consequences. If you are able to maintain this façade, you will be living a lie that slowly eats away at you from the inside out, ultimately leading to regretting her and causing greater conflict than which you were trying to avoid in the first place.   Read the rest of this entry »


Cupid: Angel of Death for Masculinity & Romance

I used to love Valentine’s Day. In the blissful ignorance of youth I saw it as a day where magic could happen. A day where I could profess my undying love to the woman of my desires in the form of a well-written valentine accompanied by candy or flowers and suddenly the veil would be lifted from her eyes and she would leap into my arms seeing what a great guy I was. After all, how could she resist my grand romantic advances? Needless to say it didn’t work out quite the way I planned, but that didn’t stop me from trying the same exact thing the next four Valentine’s Day…toward the same girl!?! (It hurts just typing that!) After all, eventually it will work. It had to. Everything I ever saw and heard about romance told me so. I was eight years old.

This is the very message that poisons our core beliefs about romance in our society. The notion of romance in our consumer culture has shifted from a focus upon the feminine need for masculine polarity to a call for men to place women on pedestals and buy their affection while bypassing masculinity altogether. The result is men are taught that the way to a woman’s heart is through showering her with gifts and kissing her ass, while women learn that if they are not getting this sort of attention there must be something wrong with them. In the end the men are emasculated, the women are left unfulfilled and insecure and everyone settles for less.   Read the rest of this entry »


Sexual Polarity, Part 1

One question I often get asked is “What do you mean when you say sexual polarity?” The simple answer is sexual polarity is the force of attraction between the masculine and the feminine. While this concept seems basic enough, it is painfully obvious when we look at the state of relations between men and women today that it is not fully understood. This is a social tragedy, since as a man understanding the concept of sexual polarity is essential to igniting and maintaining attraction and passion in your intimate interactions.

Few have explicated sexual polarity more eloquently than David Deida in his masterpiece work “Way of the Superior Man.” (I recommend this book to all of my clients as it captures the essence of managing masculinity in the world better than anything I have ever read). Deida explains polarity as:

“Sexual attraction is based upon sexual polarity, which is the force of passion that arcs between the masculine and feminine poles thus creating the flow of sexual feeling. It is this force of attraction that is the dynamism that often disappears in the modern relationship. If you want real passion you need a ravisher and a ravishee, otherwise you just have two buddies who rub genitals in bed…..The love may still be strong, the friendship may still be strong, but the sexual polarity fades unless in moments of intimacy one partner is willing to play the masculine pole and one partner is willing to play the feminine. You have to animate the masculine and the feminine differences if you want to play in the field of sexual passion.”   Read the rest of this entry »